Self, Take A Walk

My husband came home for about an hour between working office hours then heading back to run the line at his restaurant this evening.  He called me around three o'clock to let me know that his hands would be needed on deck, and, well, I wasn't exactly excited for this news.  We've been stuck at home since Sunday.  The noise level and the repetitive snack making, floor picking up, whining teething toddler who just got over the flu but has been running a low grade fever on and off, too many kid cartoons, toy messes, laundry messes, and more snack makings were starting to get to me.  So when my husband arrived for his short break and took the boys up to the play room to give me a moment of solitude, I sat  down at the computer intent to do those online doings I'd jotted on my list.  But I didn't get far.  

I've not been at peace lately.  These times creep in- especially this time of year.  I'm glad that at age 31, I am starting to accept that things aren't always silk and sunshine and when they are not, it's okay to feel the way I feel.  There always seems to be a bit of a hail storm of "what is going on?!" before that calm of accepting my lows and recognizing what is taking place.  In the past, I tended to compound my anxiety and imbalance with feelings of inadequacy that I didn't feel happy all of the time.  Without a gray day or two, or five or seven- we'd never be able to admire the deep colors of the winter- because they are there too.  One of my favorite song lyrics ever is "Be loud let your color show." (Avett Brothers)  And I don't think our colors are always meant to be brilliant and bright.  Perhaps there is a color show spectrum: sometimes our colors are neon and dazzling, sometimes they are bleeding and running together.  I'd say my colors are pretty muted here lately, but I'm trying to "keep the madness low."

Instead of continuing on with my getting stuff done frenzy this afternoon- one that has been in the works for days and has been interrupted in-numerous times by snotty noses and snack makings etc, I had what might be described as a moment of clarity.  Maybe this what who some folks talk about when they say God Spoke to them, I don't know- but I said to myself, "Self, Take a Walk."  And I listened.

It was a hardy 17 degrees fahrenheit. 

 

 

 

 

My walk was what it was.  A breath of fresh air, and really really cold.  I did not solve any of the world's problems, but I did collect a few images and I think they are lovely.  

When I arrived at my door I could not feel my toes.  I kicked off my thrifted duck shoes, which I realized are a half size too small, and kissed my husband good bye for work.  Lucky for us, he had prepared a crockpot meal for dinner this evening, a lovely chicken with Thyme gravy and rice.  My boys and I chatted and I sipped wine and after dinner I found that I had missed messages from my Dad's former (second) wife, that he is very ill in the hospital in California.  So far away.  I was able to get in touch with him by calling the ER- his voice was altered by the pain medication that he is being administered intravenously for the abdominal pain that he was admitted for.  I've been wanting to call him for days.  I've been thinking of him for days, but I haven't called.  Hot tears came after I rambled to him asking him if he was being taken good care of and then all I could say was "I love you so much, Dad." 

I do.  I love him.  So much.  More than I really understand or am able to grasp because it is a love that is ancient and came before me and will not die when I die. 

When I hung up, my boys were bouncing around before me as I sat on the couch with a blotchy face and soggy cheeks.  Loukas chattered on about peregrine falcons, from the PBS kids show that he had watched while I was on the phone.   Jasper climbed on my lap with 'I am a Bunny' and asked to read.   

I'd walk to California if I could.