i am big

Just after his third birthday last month I took these photos of Loukas in our yard while the baby Bear napped and kind of forgot about them until I uploaded some photos from our camera the other day.  What a sweet surprise...

I like how he is in his jammies.  And that it was warm enough just a few short weeks ago to romp around the yard without a coat.

and Fox has got some super hero moves, y'all...

figuring out his 'shookers' (he makes a pretty authentic web shooting sound
when he is playing spiderman)

Loukas has been doing that thing lately where he insists that he is a 'big boy' now.  And, being the 'deep thinker' that I've always been, I try to identify and relate with from where he is coming.  It seems like I spent a great deal of my life, too, trying to prove my maturity- convince those around me that I know what I am doing.  That I have the experience to state the facts and make choices, seeking respect from co-workers, classmates, friends and especially family.  I'm not sure what has changed, maybe the identifying with this instinct of my little son to prove his capabilities, but I feel that I am coming into an age of moving past that desire to prove myself.  All I can do is just be and do.  In all the years of (subconsciously) trying to convince others that I knew what I was doing and I could handle my own, I missed out on a lot of opportunities to create and listen and learn.  And to Love.

 Here I sit- "grown up," with the most important responsibility of all: to raise a child (children!!!), and I shrug my shoulders a lot and find it comforting to express that I do not know what the hell I am doing or what's what and I am letting go of a lot of my expectations and learning to be less critical and in all of that that little girl inside who was insecure and (obnoxiously) knew it all and wanted everyone around to know it, is settling down and opening.  All that time spent demonstrating how big I was and now I have arrived at that place where there are little people who count on my knowing what to do and how things work and when and what comes next... and where things are and why and more why... and I find my self very cathartically (with such an open heart and such gratitude) feeling like a child myself- but with nothing to prove.  And it feels nice.   
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Loukas Fox is a budding photographer, friends and family: these are all some of his 'gets' from the last couple months- these were all very happily found among blurry shots of his toy boxes, floor messes and me Instagramming in my jammies on the couch.

dirty window sill and pillow... very artsy.

I did strike that pose.

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Happy rest of the weekending to you!  We are looking forward to a slow Sunday of comfy clothes and a cozy fire...  

and most likely some'a this...